Fear

I am afraid of ghosts. I am afraid of monsters, of reptiles. I am afraid of creepy dolls and clowns. I am afraid to watch scary movies because I might dream about them. 

Nightmares. When you want to fight, but you couldn't. Because you're scared, not only when you're awake but even in your slumber.

Well that's how it was before you came. 

Now, I'm afraid when that little green circle beside your name goes off. I'm afraid when you post song lyrics about how a girl makes you fall. I am afraid when you make me laugh. I am afraid when you tell me about your day. I am afraid when you talk to me in person. I am afraid to read your texts. I am afraid when you look at me. I am afraid when you smile... 

...I am afraid, when I should be not.

I am afraid because these might just be illusions. I am afraid because these might just be assumptions. I am afraid because this feeling might just be a nightmare disguised as a sweet dream. I am afraid because I might be walking on the past again...the past that I already let go off. The past where I've already learned from. Or did I?

I am afraid to fall in love. 

I've been here before. I was a frequent visitor. But as I realized my mistakes, I wanted to be wiser, stronger. I wanted to be less gullible. And this time, I will be...for sure. 

Currently, I have a lot of questions. I am at the peak of a Mount Everest of uncertainties. For now, I'm going to just push this away. If I have to muster all of my strength to push this mountain, I would do it. I won't mind how hard it could be. I won't mind how stupid would I look. But until I become sure, I will not stop pushing you away. 

If we couldn't face and fight our nightmares, we could always wake up. Someday, I will. For now, I will fight, a thing that I haven't done before. After all, every battle is worth a good fight. 

I will give this one my best.

My Love Letter

Love,

Today is the 7th of November. Currently it’s already 10:07 in the evening. You must’ve known by now that I am nocturnal because I will be bothering you with calls and texts while writing a blog entry. I hope you could keep up with my messed up body clock: keep me company during dreamless nights, and to keep me smiling on boring sunny days.

I wanted you to know that during this time I was thinking if I’ve already met you. Were you one of my close friends or just one of my many acquaintances? Have we been in a single classroom? Have we been at the same concert? I wonder when could all these questions be answered. Answer me when you read this. Write me a letter. You must’ve known by now that I love letters. Send me one when you read this.

Maybe I already know you. Maybe I’ve already loved you, not only once, but twice. Maybe we were not yet ready for this that’s why we can’t happen right now. But don’t worry because we will. Now, we are.

If ever you’re not him, fear not. I must’ve told you about him already. I hope you didn’t mind when I told you. Telling you that is far from hurting you or making you jealous. Telling you that is part of my honesty. It’s part of opening myself to you, spilling my insides, for you to know me deep. You must’ve known by now that I don’t keep secrets to the ones I love. And I love you.

I hope you don’t get surprised if I cried on our first kiss or the first time I said YES. You must’ve known by now that my tears are really shallow. I cry for dead cats in the streets, I cry when watching sad movies, I cry when hearing a really heartfelt song. But most importantly, you must’ve known by now that I’ve waited on you for so long. And now that you’re here with me, I was just really happy.

I want to thank you for loving me. I may be different with the other girls that you have dated before. I want you to know that I will never forget the awkwardness of our first date. I’m sorry because I wan’t taken out by a guy on a date before, and it was hard for me to react. You must’ve known by now that you are my first, and of course, I will say this without any hesitations, my last.

I love you. You will only be the one. My God’s best. I will never ever fail to thank God everyday for giving you to me. With Him, we will be different from the others. We will be the best couple in this world, ever. We will conquer everything, together. We will never falter. We will never…end.

Our Hearts Don't Need Condoms

If anything needs protection, it is our hearts.

When our hearts are protected, do you think we have to risk everything for a person? Not. When our hearts are secured, we need not RISK anything because everything will be sure, everything will be good and beautiful.

When our hearts are protected, do you think we have to cry? Not. When our hearts are assured, everything will be bright. The only tears that are permitted to escape our eyes are tears of joy. 

When our hearts are protected, do you think we need to be afraid? Not. When our hearts are locked tight, no one could ever steal it just to play with it. No one could ever grab it just to break it. Only the right person will be given the key for these hearts to be freed.

When our hearts are protected, do you think we will be fooled? Not. When our hearts are shielded, no one can just touch it. No one can just make fun of it. Wisdom will be given to the person who guards his heart because of its sanctity and  value.

When our hearts are protected, uncertainty has no place on our lives. When we guard our hearts and let the Lord keep it, He will guide our choices and decisions. In times of uncertainty, in times when you think twice, better think about matters first very seriously because consequences await our every actions. 

When our hearts are protected, we need not another law for us to be guided. We need not abide to another set of confusing strings of words for us to be able to live simple lives.  Our hearts doesn't need a condom to be protected. It needs something unbreakable. When our hearts are guarded by the Lord, nothing will ever go wrong for His security cannot be shattered. Our hearts will never stray. So if anything needs protection, it is not our bodies. It is our hearts. 


Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
Proverbs 4:23

Pastors' Appreciation Month Video Presentation

Below is the original piece for the narration on the video. To all my international readers (as if I have some. AS IF I HAVE READERS in general! Hahaha), the piece, as well as the video is in Filipino. So sorry about that. Heh.

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Madalas kaming maglokohang magkakaibigan. Sino kaya ang magiging susunod na pastor sa amin? Madalas namin tong gawing biruan kasi wala talagang may gusto! Pagkatapos ng tanong ayan na ang turuan, wagas na pagtutol, at ang tawanang parang wala nang bukas. Ako? Madalas nila akong ituro. Nako! Ayoko nga. Ano ako? Matanda? Tsaka may nais akong marating no! Gusto kong maging engineer para yumaman ako. Hindi ako yayaman sa pagiging pastor. Ayoko. Ayoko talaga!

Napakahirap maging pastor! Wala ka na ngang sweldo, ang dami mo pang kailangang asikasuhin! Bukod sa pag-aaruga sa pamilya mo, andyan pa yung mga members ng church. Bukod sa pag-aasikaso sa pagpapaganda ng bahay mo, andyan pa yung pagpapaganda sa simbahan. Bukod sa pananalangin sa mga pangangailangan mo, andyan pa yung ipapanalangin mo yung ibang tao...minsan hindi mo pa kilala. Ako? Hindi ko kaya yan.

Hindi ko na nga maasikaso yung mga alaga ko sa Pet Society, aasikasuhin ko pa yung mga members? Napapabayaan ko na nga yung bukid ko sa Farmville, lilinisan at pagagandahin ko pa yung church? Problema ko na nga yung pang-DOTA ko, pro-problemahin ko pa yung pang-tuition ng ibang tao? Yung totoo?!

Eto pa a, napakahirap maging pastor kasi kailangan maging totoo ka sa mga sasabihin at gagawin mo. Kailangan kapag sinabi mong huwag iiyak, dapat di ka iiyak. Dapat kapag sinabi mong seryoso, dapat seryoso ka din. Dapat kapag sinabi mong huwag matakot, di ka rin dapat matatakot! Tapos kailangan marunong kang makibagay sa lahat ng klase ng tao. AS IN LAHAT. Sa mga bata, sa mga teen agers, sa mga matatanda, sa mga bingi, sa mga bungi, sa mga problemado, sa mga aning-aning, et cetera. Kailangan marami kang alam para may maikukwento ka sa iba't-ibang uri ng tao. Meh. Kung ganyan lang din wag na no. Hindi kasi ako madaldal. Sa school, kapag walang prof, madalas mo akong makita sa isang sulok ng room at nagsesenti. Wala akong maraming friends. Sa Facebook ang makikita mo dun: Francisco Magpantay. Friends: 5. Yung nanay ko, yung tatay ko, pati yung tatlo kong kaibigan na inadd lang ako para magpa-like ng pictures nila. Kaya hindi. Hindi ako pwedeng maging pastor.

Mahirap maging pastor kasi dapat lagi kang magalang. Akay dito, akay doon. Mano dito, mano doon. Tapos dapat lagi kang nakangiti! Tsaka bawal ang snob! Kasi kapag may isa kang hindi pinansin...tsk tsk tsk...tampururot ang labas niyan. Haaaaaay. Hindi talaga ako pwedeng maging pastor. Bagsak kasi ako sa GMRC. Tsk. Pasang awa pa sa Values Education. Meh.

Isa pang dahilan kung bakit ayokong maging pastor? Dapat lagi kang maayos! Yung postura mo, yung tindig mo, dapat matikas! Feeling mayor?! Tapos yung kilos mo dapat may poise! Dapat mukhang kagalang-galang ang lakad. Tapos dapat laging malinis at fresh tignan! Dapat laging mukhang bagong ligo! Nako! Pano na lang kung tagtuyot at walang tubig?

Wala. Hindi talaga ako papasa bilang pastor. Bakit? Kasi ang mga pastor, mababait. Mahilig makisimpatya sa mga tao. Tapos ang hilig pa nilang magpalakas ng loob ng iba. Pakialam ko naman sa kanila? E ako nga hindi nila pinapansin e. Duh. Magpalakas ng loob? Pfffft. Ako na pinaglihi sa sama ng loob?! Pwede ba?!

Natatawa ako kung gaano ako ka-OA magreact noon. Kung anu-ano na inisip ko. Puro reklamo. Ngayon ko lang narealize na napakalaki kong patawa. Bakit? Una, wala namang pumipilit saking mag-pastor pero ang dami ko nang pinagsasabi diba? Hahaha! Narealize ko na may mga taong pinili para maging kagaya nila. May mga espesyal na taong pinagkalooban ng puso na kaiba sa ating mga ordinaryong tao lang. Kaya nakakagawa sila ng mga bagay na kailanman ay mahihirapan tayong gawin. Yung pagiging maasikaso, mapagmahal sa tao, yung pagiging maalaga nila...built-in na sa kanila yun. Kung satin yun wala pa atang installer para dyan e.

Pangalawa, sa dinami-rami ng mga pinagrereklamo ko, narealize ko na napakaraming hirap at sakripisyo ang pinagdadaanan ng isang pastor. Mantakin niyo na lang, gigising sila at mananalangin para sa pamilya at sa sarili niya, may mga isasabit pa siya. Sa kanya? May nananalangin ba? Kapag linggo, siya ang nagbubukas ng simbahan sa umaga, sa gabi, siya pa ang magsasara. Sa isang araw, ilang kilometro ang nilalakad nila, ilang galon ng laway ang inilalabas nila kaka-follow up satin, tapos di naman tayo umaattend. Grabe diba?

Kaya sa inyong lahat, gusto ko lang sabihin na proud na proud ako sa mga pastor ko! Kasi sila, higit pa sa superhero ang powers nila. Hindi man sila sikat tulad ni Vilma Santos, sa puso ko super-mega-diamond-star for all seasons sila. Hindi man nila kamukha si Coco Martin, kamukha naman nila si Brad Pitt! Hindi man sila pinapalakpakan ng libo-libong fans, papalakpakan ko naman sila, kasama ang libu-libong angels! At alam ko...hindi man natin sila madalas na mapasalamatan, hindi man natin sila madalas na maappreciate, meron sa kanilang laging nakatingin at nakangiti habang nagmamasid. Alam ko hindi na rin Siya makapaghintay na mayakap sila at masabihan ng, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."      

Una

Una: Primera, first. Pangunahin. Maaring pinaka maganda, o pinaka magaling. Top. Very, super, mega.

Mahirap bigyan ng depinisyon pero alam kong alam niyo ang tinutukoy ko. Lahat tayo ay may elemento ng una. Maaring meron tayong inuuna o meron na tayong inuna. Maaring ikaw ay una, maari rin namang nais mong mauna. Pangunahin. Lahat tayo ay may pangunahin sa buhay. Prayoridad: sa tingin ko'y ito ang tamang salita.

Ano ang prayoridad mo sa buhay? Marahil kung estudyante ka ay pag-aaral. Marahil kung ikaw ay isang magulang ay ang iyong pamilya. Kung nakakatayo ka na sa sarili mong paa, maaring trabaho ang inuuna mo. Hmm...kung ikaw ay isang yaya, maaring inuuna mo ang imong alaga. Siguro kung ikaw ay isang party peeps ang prayoridad mo'y pagtungga. Kung ikaw ay magsasaka, marahil ang inuuna mo'y palay.  At kung ika'y isang doktor, malamang ang inuuna mo'y ang pilay.

Iba't-ibang grupo ng mga tao, iba't-ibang prayoridad. Pero pag-usapan nating ang pangkalahatan. Hindi kung ano ang prayoridad mo bilang isang bata, o matanda. Hindi kung ano ang nais mong unahin bilang isang sikat na artista, o bilang isang labandera.

ANO ANG PRAYORIDAD MO BILANG ISANG TAO?

Ako ay isang simpleng tao lang. Isang tambay na Research grad na nagtatrabaho sa bahay bilang isang Proofreader. Hindi man ako bigtime sa tunay na buhay, pero malayo ang nais kong marating sa...di tunay na buhay. Haha. Kung makikita mo ang mga nagkalat kong social networking accounts sa internet, lagi mong mababasa sa ABOUT ME section na I'm a daughter of a million dreams. Napakarami kong gustong marating! Napakarami kong gustong maging. Sa sobrang dami...hindi ko alam kung ano ang uunahin ko. Kaya puro ako first step. First step na hindi na nadagdagan. Ewan ko ba. Pinanganak ba akong isang dreamer o isang pasikat?

Ilang beses na akong sumusubok. Hindi naman ako nabibigo. Yun nga lang, hindi ako umuusad, kasi nga malabo ang priorities ko. So hindi ko pwedeng sabihin na bumabangon ako, kasi hindi naman ako nadadapa. Lumiliko nga lang.

Mukha ba akong kawawa? Isang batang nawawala sa Divisoria. Paliko-liko sa mga eskinita, kung saan-saan lumulusot basta makakita ng lagusan. Kung saan-saan gumagapang, makahanap lang ng daan palabas. Hanggang may narinig ako, "Tumigil ka muna, Carmela. Tigil muna."

So tumigil ako. Umupo. Nag-pahinga. Nag-isip. Naalala ko...hindi nga pala ako nag-iisa. Siguro hindi na lang nagsasalita yung kasama ko kasi hindi ko naman siya mapakinggan dahil nga busy-busyhan ako sa kakahanap ng panibagong tatahaking kalye. Siguro tatawa-tawa na lang siya habang pinapanood akong paikot-ikot sa Divisoria, "Tsk...itong anak ko talaga. Ang kulit. Nabingi nanaman." 

Ang ingay naman kasi sa Divisoria. Sa sobrang ingay hindi ko na siya narinig. At sa sobrang daming tao, hindi ko na rin siya nakita. Kaya ngayong nakatigil ako, sasamantalahin ko na ang pagkakataon. Hinanap ko yung kasama ko, at kinausap ko siya:

"Lord, ang hirap pala talagang maging mag-isa. Ilang beses akong nagpaikot-ikot, hindi ako makalabas. Ganito pala kapag mag-isa Lord. Nakakapagod."

"Ikaw naman kasi, 'nak. Nalunod ka na sa ingay ng buhay mo, hindi mo tuloy marinig ang mga bulong ko."

Maingay ang buhay ko. Sa sobrang ingay, nabingi ako. Malabo ang priorities ko. At sa sobrang labo, nabulag ako. Nawala ako sa kaguluhan pero pinatigil ako ng Panginoon para makapag-isip. Ngayon, natutunan ko siyang i-prioritize. UNA. Ang Diyos ang aking una.

Bakit?

Sa Kanya nanggaling ang buhay ko. Kung wala akong buhay, malamang, wala ako, walang nagsusulat ng blog na'to, at walang batang ligaw sa Divisoria. Sa Kanya nanggaling ang mga pangarap ko. Siya ang nagbigay sakin ng isip. Kung wala akong isip, hindi sana ako nangangarap ngayon. Ang Diyos ang nagbigay ng lahat sa akin. Kung wala ako ng lahat na ito, wala ako. Kasi tayo ay binubuo ng lahat-lahat sa atin. Kung wala ang mga ito, walang nagbibigay kahulugan sa'yo, wala ka. Non-existent.

In short, sa Panginoon ako nagmula. Una akong sa Kanya at hinding-hindi ko ibibigay ang sarili ko sa iba. Una ako sa Kanya, kaya una rin Siya sa akin. Una akong sa Kanya at hinding-hindi ako magpapahuli na mapasakanya. Mahal kita Lord, pero una mo akong minahal. Kaya sa'yo lang ako. Ikaw ang una ko. Ikaw ang elemento ko ng una. Ikaw lang, O Diyos. Ikaw lang.

White Flag

KISS?

You may see it as an expression of affection, in different sorts, depending on where you lay your lips on. You may see it as a form of greeting. Some may see it as a sign of respect or regard, others may see it offensive though...well, mostly depending on situations. 

See, everyone has their own definition of it that I would really love to hear. Actually, before I wrote this blog, I was planning to ask people to speak their minds out. If only I was a patient granny. Unfortunately I am a hungry lioness who can't wait to rage her claws on the laptop. I've been dying to write again. And just as this spark is still existing, I won't let go of it, not until I grow a third arm.

It's hard to let go of the familiar. The things you grew up loving? The things that helped you grow? The things you got used to be doing? The things where your life revolved on for so long? Who could say that change is easy to accept, especially when it's drastic? Who could say that forgetting things you are accustomed to can just happen in just a blink of an eye? 

If only there is a door to oblivion. Entering it must make it easier for us to accept that nothing will ever be the same again. But we can never always get what we want. Life does not always have to be about us. 

A kiss is a bold act for me. Like when you kiss someone in the middle of a crowd, just as in the movies. Or if you kiss someone goodbye, just like what I will be doing today. I am kissing my past goodbye. The past is where we learn. You may think why I would like to throw it away if it is that vital. Well, I have already learned. And I need not dwell on it anymore. I've learned by heart, not just by the coils in my head. And if you did the same, you need not look on the past to guide you ever again. 

A kiss is a concrete form of passion. As much as I fear to go out of my comfort zone and be lost in the brave world, I am on fire to seek the joy out of it. Be that I would start all over again, or am I more prone to get hurt, I don't care. I guess it's not bad to be trigger happy for once, and just let things come as they are.

Nothing is too easy. We can't get everything in a snap. Just like a kiss. Because our lives is not made to revolve on ourselves. It is not made to be a piece of cake. It was designed this way that we may know how weak we are, and that we need someone BIG to carry us through, to be our fortress, and protector. 

As I move from the confines of my safe zone out to the open wild; As I leave the familiar to embrace the unsure; As I lay a kiss on the past to taste what is in store for me ahead, I will ever be trusting only ONE NAME, and I will ever be relying on His promises. Of all the mess of uncertainty in my mind, only one thing is sure and is true: THE LORD HOLDS MY FUTURE. He has the best plan for me. And I need not fear, no matter how blinded I am right now, because I know that I will be protected, and will never be alone.    

And so to all who are trapped in the past just like me before, don't be afraid to kiss them goodbye. There is so much in store ahead that you can only experience when you leave. 

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"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him;

    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

He will call on me, and I will answer him;

    I will be with him in trouble,

    I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life I will satisfy him

    and show him my salvation."

Psalm 92:14-16